Men? I trusted to many. All willing to trade me for any. Anyone willing to give them physical attention. Even my best childhood friend, I still struggle with that comprehension. I’ll never forget the day I caught them together. That was an unwelcomed storm to weather.
She never apologized, he did profusely. So, we continued a relationship loosely. Stupid me, blinded by his bullshit for years. He left me alone on my birthdays in tears. He eventually ended up in prison. Our happy ending? I had to let go of that vision.
He wasn’t all bad though. The first time we met, I was like “Whoa!” Oh, he was so sweet to me, and damn was he fine. I should’ve known then, falling for him would have the consequence of a crime. He would call me on the phone and talk with me for hours. The hold he had on me, I swear he had superpowers. He’d ride his bike to see me wherever I was. No teenage boy does that, just because. With me, he really was gentle and kind. Though, it wouldn’t last forever, years later I’d find.
I’ll never forget our first kiss, my first experience with bliss. We were at the skating rink for the all-night New Years event. Skating laps, holding hands, happy together, that’s how our night was spent. It wasn’t until we were out front saying our goodbyes. He leaned in and kissed me, ahh, the immense butterflies! Months he had waited, a respectful gentleman. How could I see him as anything other than genuine?
I was at his house sick one time with a cold or a flu. He got me comfy with a movie and made me Theraflu. Of course, I didn’t want to drink it because of the taste. The chance to trick me however, he did not waste. He pretended to drink it and acted as though it tasted good. Just so I would feel better, as a good boyfriend would. Even looking back now there’s no way it was all fake. Why did it have to end in so much heartache?
For so long after our split I held on to everything from him I could. With complete disregard for whether or not I should. I kept all his letters in a binder neatly placed in those clear plastic sleeves. His drawings and poems, the version of him no one else ever sees. Pages upon pages of love in his written words. Rereading them all over, the “I miss him” it would cure. I can still picture some of it in my mind. Maybe, it wasn’t just a waste of time.
Your first love will truly change who you are forever. Whether or not those ties you have to sever. People do end up with their high school sweethearts sometimes. Too bad we’re not all blessed with a love of that kind.
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